This is a warning before you continue; this update has some tearful moments. I don't want you to feel bad for me or to hug me or for you to say you are sorry I just need to get some of my emotion out in words. About two weeks ago Michael and I found out we were expecting another baby but on Friday I had a spontaneous miscarriage at 7 weeks 1 day. The odds are that the baby had some kind of genetic problem that made it not able to sustain life and therefore we never got to meet baby number two. I don't think that this would have been as difficult for Michael and I to deal with but on Friday when everything began we went to ER and after I gave them about a gallon of blood and all the test results were back (everything came back for normal ranges for how far along I was) they did an ultra sound and we got to see the baby and see it's heart beat.
When a woman finds out she is expecting she is automatically in love with that un-known being weather you were trying for a baby or it was a surprise. But for dad it really doesn’t become something real until they see this little person face to face, and Michael got to "meet" our baby on Friday night. God made babies something very special because they come with this draw that makes us fall completely in love with at first sight, you just can’t help it. And it is this super power that left us crying.
It wasn't until Saturday afternoon that I was sure we had lost the baby and all I could say was "God you can't take her I fell in love already." which leads me to my status update yesterday... "life isn't fair sometimes it’s in your favor and sometimes it’s not, but it isn't in your favor you have to remember the times that it was" Life truly isn't fair, it isn't fair that I will never have that baby to hold and hug and cuddle and smell. It isn't fair that we have a beautiful, healthy, happy, growing, funny little girl at home to love already. It isn't fair that sometimes God tells us no when he says yes to other people that maybe we don't think deserve it. Life just isn't fair but we have to remember that sometimes it isn't fair for us and it isn't fair against us.
It seems it’s hardest to remember that especially when you are going through the time when life being not fair isn't working in your favor. But in the end we are safe and healthy and really actually okay. And one day b/c of our faith and love we will be good again. And even further down the road (like a year or two further) we may end up welcoming another life and love into our world. But until that time I will find comfort in my daughter, husband, and organizing my house. Hello getting photos sorted and properly stored away.
